To The Times The Depression Almost Killed Me

I think I’m at one of the lowest points of my life and every time I think I’m going to get my shit together in the morning, the morning comes and it’s the same.

Repeatedly. Every weekend. By Sunday, I’m at my wits end with my entire household. From cleaning up every single mess made, to my husband’s lack of well, everything – it’s all too much. I’m drowning.

I can’t breathe, and I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever known how to get a deep breath of air. My whole life someone has helped me. Not just my parents and not only financially, but emotionally and that’s a lot to swallow. Some of those people who have helped me, don’t deserve the credit slash burden either. I’ve always had an older, wiser friend to vent to, and a mom to get advice from. I still have my mom but not many friends and my mom acts like she doesn’t want that obligation most days. No one has died or moved away, but they’re gone just the same.

My husband was my best friend before his stroke in 20’15. To find your best friend inside the love of your life is something damn unique. Irreplaceable. Yet…here I sit. I look at pictures of us and our family pre-stroke, and think of how fucking lucky I was. So, what did I do that’s so horrible that karma left me with what I have? A husband who is mentally checked out, who doesn’t appreciate what I sacrifice for him and the kids, and who has lost all sense of what it’s like to be a dad, husband, my ride or die.

It’s incredibly sad, yes and do I look for the positive aspect? Not anymore. I gave that up a while back. He used to have a lust for life and his future that matched no other I had met. Not an athlete or intellect, but something far simpler than most. He just loved me. Entirely. I’m psychotic, and any of my exes would agree but not D. He saw through that, and even though he admits I’m bat shit crazy, not once did he ever make me feel like I was.

That’s a gift. But that gift is gone, lost somewhere in his soul that he just wears every day without listening to his heart. What do you do in that situation? What do you do when one of the reasons you fell in love with your soulmate was suddenly gone? Would you still be in love? It takes a lot of patience (of which I wish I had so much more of), to lead this family solo. Many days it feels like I have 5 kids. You think I’m exaggerating, obeing dramatic, don’t you? I wish.

From household chores to significant house updates and projects, to finances, kids’ schedules, and the constant advice that everyone needs – I am there. I am the one everyone comes to, and I don’t necessarily hate that. But I do hate doing it alone constantly. We were supposed to be doing this together, and instead, I see him numb his pain all day with the few habits he cannot let go of. Weed, TV, and sex.

To make everything a million times more complicated, I have bipolar I disorder, and at only 44-years-old I’m postmenopausal due to a surgeon’s false promise when he took my ovary and tubes. Fair? I think not. Crazy?

Absolutely.


Hollaback.

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