Imagine (even if for a moment) a mom with four children, managing her bipolar I disorder, and ADHD. It’s not impossible just tricky. What’s almost impossible is shoving her into menopause in her early 40s. Now that’s quite a feat.

“Children begin by loving their parents; after a time they judge them; rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.”

-Oscar Wilde (1893), A Woman of No Importance

With yesterday being Father’s Day I couldn’t find it in my heart to tell my dad why I was missing Father’s Day lunch with him and the rest of the family. Instead, I wrote him a letter that I’ll never have the guts to give him. This is just therapy in it’s twisted form.

Dear Dad,

It hurts my heart to write you, but history proves face to face talks don’t work out too well between you, Mom and me. I don’t want this to be an “uglier” situation than it already is so I’ve decided to write it all out and give you a few explanations in writing. These are explanations as to why I don’t really want to be around my family and my children and husband feel the same.

I’ve been treated as the black sheep for too long and hopefully you believe I deserve more – better. Recently, I’ve learned a few things that happened last year when the kids stayed with you and mom a few times. I need to address these conversations and I’ll try my damndest to contain the anger.

What you and my mother have said or asked or done to my children is unacceptable, almost as if you deliberately meant to hurt me and my marriage at its weakest. Unaware that our kids were faced with question after question of how their home life is, we assumed you honestly wanted to get to know them and give us a break. I couldn’t believe my ears! If you have acted based on things you’ve heard from our estranged oldest, that’s your first mistake. D and I have realized she is much more like her biological mother than we originally thought. Believing some of the things that she’s said is insulting to your daughter – and I may never be able to forgive that.

You may laugh that I would even mention forgiveness but yes, you need forgiving! The fact that my nephew has been told some things by you, Mom or his parents, is disgusting and I don’t know how you people sleep at night knowing you’ve created this make-believe monster in your only daughter. Do you really believe that I am as manipulative or worse than your wife? Do you really believe that I tell any lies? And if so, why in all hell would I have anything to lie about?? What could I possibly gain from lying to anyone about any damn thing? I’m a grown ass adult and I assure you, lying is the furthest from my mind if I need to explain anything to anyone. You may have confused me with your oldest son and/or wife, but it stops now. I simply will not see you or have a thing to do with you if you continue to believe such shit, excuse the language.

My brother has become you and both of you have forgotten what it’s like to be a teenager and young adult. Why are you hell bent on making marijuana the devil when driving less than 2 hours away makes it a legal (and far better) option? The kids see that hypocrisy and laugh. Weed isn’t what it used to be and it’s not taboo. Alcohol and  cigarettes are far worse with much higher consequences than marijuana has ever had – that’s just fact, Dad. Wish you were more educated on the topic, but I no longer have time or energy to work with such closed-minded people.

Our kids have felt the effects of you and mom disappearing from their lives. They’re smart kids, as you know, but you have made fools out of yourselves by trying to pit them against their parents. I’m sorry but our kids are raised differently, and the love truly is unconditional. They ARE a product of their environment.

I cannot believe it took me so long to write this all out and see it for what it is in front of me. It’s pathetic. I’m tired of showing up for “family” dinner to be made fun of, talked about or insulted behind our backs. Well, you don’t have to worry about the “fucking circus” any more.

Did you think that what you say won’t get back to me? If so, that’s sad that you believe I am as you think. I thought you were better than this and more importantly, I thought you were past all the bullshit. I thought you had accepted our differences but were still thankful I decided to let you be part of our lives. Ha! You are right about one certain thing: I sure am gullible.

I cannot be considered part of this broken family. I cannot let my kids see that your behavior is acceptable not just as parents, but also as grandparents. Tell me something: did you grill Taylor and Colton at my kids’ ages about their parents and what they do or say? Did your bear cubs go through what my kids have? You act like everything you’ve imagined up about me and my family is fact or truth when, you don’t know a thing about us. Christ, for all the times you left our mother, for all the “breaks” you’ve needed, you have NEVER apologized for anything you said to me that you shouldn’t have said. I remember things too Dad. Not much but enough to make me sick.

I was raised differently than the boys. I didn’t get a chance to get to know my parents because they were always yelling at me, threatening me, or grounding me. I didn’t do a damn thing right. I didn’t do a damn thing they wanted me to do and because of that, I am their black sheep. Believe or not, I am not the only one who knows and see this – the people that see it ask me why this letter has taken me so long. I’ve tried and I’m tired of being the failure.

Take care and as always, love you.

It would be just like me to take this “working” thing so seriously. If you only knew how long it takes me to write one post. Because, detail-oriented like a mo-fo. I won’t post just any old thing. I have to plan it out, find the right images that match my content, worry about anonymity, and then decide if I want to publicize. Ultimately, this leads to numerous drafts that are never posted. 

Why I Wait

It would be so easy to just say fuck it and post everything as is. Why it’s so hard for me to do, I don’t exactly know. Maybe it’s because I think this will be something great one day and I am a perfectionist in my mind. 

There are few things I hate more than watching a horrible mess of a movie. Not only do you waste 2 hours of your time that you’ll never get back but you almost feel robbed by the time the credits roll.